by Jarrette Wright-Booker MA, LPC-S, CAADC
Why You Feel Like Running—Even When They’re “Nice”
Ever go on a date with someone kind, respectful, and emotionally available—only to feel like you’re crawling out of your skin by dessert? You chalk it up to “no chemistry,” but deep down, something else is at play.
Here’s the truth: sometimes it’s not your intuition saying “no,” it’s your nervous system screaming from past hurt.
When you haven’t experienced healthy love or secure attachment, your body might mistake safety for boredom—or even danger. And that reaction? It’s not because you’re dramatic or broken. It’s because your nervous system is doing exactly what it was trained to do: protect you.
What Are Attachment Wounds, Exactly?
Attachment wounds happen when our earliest emotional needs—like safety, validation, or consistent care—go unmet. These wounds don’t just disappear when we grow up. They follow us into every connection, especially romantic ones.
Some signs you’re dating with unresolved attachment wounds:
- You shut down or overthink before/after every date
- You cling fast or ghost quick
- “Nice” people feel suspicious; “emotionally unavailable” feels familiar
- You need constant reassurance or avoid intimacy altogether
Sound familiar? That’s your attachment system at work.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: The Dating Edition
Here’s how your nervous system might react on a first date:
🥊 Fight: You get critical or controlling—trying to “test” them before they can hurt you.
🏃🏽♀️ Flight: You obsessively analyze, rehearse conversations, or feel the urge to cancel altogether.
❄️ Freeze: You go numb mid-conversation, zone out, or lose your words.
🙇🏾♀️ Fawn: You people-please to keep the peace—laughing too hard, agreeing with everything, ignoring your own red flags.
If your nervous system has lived in survival mode, real connection won’t always feel safe—it’ll feel foreign.
So What Do You Do With This Awareness?
1. Pause the Self-Blame
Your body’s responses are not a character flaw—they’re a survival skill. Be kind to the part of you that’s trying to protect your heart.
2. Check in With Your Body
Not just your thoughts. Does your stomach tighten around certain questions? Do your shoulders tense when someone shows you attention? Start listening. That’s data.
3. Name the Wound, Not the Person
Instead of saying, “They’re too much,” try: “Something about this is activating an old fear.” Create space between their actions and your reactions.
4. Get Support
Therapy can help you distinguish between emotional truth and nervous system habit. You deserve relationships that don’t require a full-body shutdown to survive.
You’re Not Too Broken to Love—or Be Loved
Dating with attachment wounds is hard. But healing is possible. You’re allowed to take up space, to be unsure, to need reassurance—and still find love that holds you gently.
At Introspective Counseling, our grounded and culturally responsive therapists offer couples therapy to help Black men and women in unpack relational trauma and rebuild secure connections. If you’re ready to stop mistaking anxiety for intuition, we’re here to walk with you.
Book a session today—and start dating from your healed, not hurt, self.