by Jarrette Wright-Booker MA, LPC-S, CAADC
When Love Hurts More Than It Heals
Love is supposed to feel safe. It’s meant to be supportive, kind, and uplifting. But for too many people, love has been packaged with pain, manipulation, and control—and that’s not love at all.
If you’ve ever been made to feel guilty for having boundaries, questioned your own reality because of someone else’s gaslighting, or stayed in a relationship because leaving felt scarier than staying, you’re not alone. The truth is, love should never be a power struggle.
What Love Is (And What It’s Not)
Love is:
- Respectful
- Supportive
- Honest
- Secure
- Freeing
Love is not:
- Controlling
- Manipulative
- Fear-inducing
- Guilt-driven
- A test of how much pain you can endure
The problem is, many of us grew up seeing toxic relationship patterns—whether in our own families, in media, or in past relationships. When dysfunction is all you know, it’s easy to mistake intensity for love and control for care.
Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
A relationship doesn’t have to be physically abusive to be harmful. Here are some signs that love has taken a toxic turn:
- You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells. You monitor your words and actions to avoid setting them off.
- Your boundaries are ignored. They push past your comfort zones, making you feel guilty for saying no.
- They isolate you from loved ones. Controlling partners often discourage relationships that give you outside perspective.
- You’re always apologizing. Even when you’re not at fault, you feel like you’re the problem.
- Their love feels conditional. They only show affection when you comply with their expectations.
Gaslighting: The Mind Game of Toxic Love
One of the most damaging tactics in a toxic relationship is gaslighting—a form of manipulation that makes you question your own reality. It often starts small but escalates over time, making you doubt your own thoughts, emotions, and even memories.
Some common gaslighting phrases include:
- “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
- “You’re too sensitive. You always overreact.”
- “I only said that because you made me.”
- “Nobody else would put up with you.”
Gaslighting can make you feel like you’re losing your grip on reality, eroding your self-confidence and making you more dependent on the very person causing you harm. Over time, this form of manipulation can lead to severe emotional distress, making it even harder to leave the relationship.
Why We Stay
Leaving a toxic relationship isn’t just about making a decision—it’s about untangling years of conditioning. Many people stay because:
- They fear being alone. The thought of starting over feels overwhelming.
- They’ve been convinced it’s their fault. Manipulative partners make you believe you’re the problem.
- Love bombing keeps them hooked. Periods of extreme affection make them hold onto hope that things will change.
- Cultural and familial expectations create pressure. Many people, especially Black women and men, are taught to endure rather than walk away.
- The relationship feels familiar. If chaos and control were part of past relationships or family dynamics, it may feel normal—even when it’s harmful.
Healing and Reclaiming Your Power
The good news? You don’t have to settle for a love that hurts. Here’s how to start healing:
1. Get Clear on What You Deserve
A loving relationship is built on mutual respect and support—not fear and control. Write down what healthy love looks like for you.
2. Strengthen Your Boundaries
Boundaries are your right. Anyone who makes you feel guilty for having them is showing you their true colors.
3. Reconnect with Yourself
Toxic relationships make you lose sight of who you are. Spend time rediscovering your likes, interests, and dreams.
4. Seek Support
You don’t have to navigate this alone. Lean on friends, family, or a professional who can remind you of your worth.
5. Recognize That Leaving is Healing
Walking away isn’t giving up—it’s choosing yourself. And that’s the most powerful decision you can make.
You Deserve a Love That Feels Like Home
Breaking free from toxic relationship patterns isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. At Introspective Counseling, serving Detroit, Southfield, Ferndale, Royal Oak, Troy, West Bloomfield, Farmington Hills, Novi and Dearborn, MI, our knowledgeable and empathetic professionals are here to support you on your healing journey through couples therapy. Schedule a consultation today and take the first step toward the love you deserve.
