by Jarrette Wright-Booker MA, LPC-S, CAADC
Parenting is a wild ride on its own, but when you and your partner have completely different ideas about how to raise the kids, it can feel like you’re co-piloting a plane with two separate maps. One of you might be the “gentle parenting” advocate, while the other believes in “old-school discipline.” And somewhere in between, you’re just trying to keep the kids fed, happy, and maybe—just maybe—not permanently traumatized.
So, how do you and your spouse parent as a team when you have different playbooks? Let’s break it down.
Recognize the Root of Your Parenting Beliefs
Your parenting style isn’t just something you randomly picked—it’s shaped by your own upbringing, experiences, and even fears. If your partner is stricter, they may feel discipline equals structure and success. If you lean more towards emotional validation, you may believe children need room to express themselves freely. Instead of assuming your partner is just wrong, take time to understand where their approach comes from.
Action Step: Have an open conversation about how you were both raised. What did you love about your childhood? What would you do differently? This helps create mutual understanding rather than blame.
Find Common Ground (Because You’re on the Same Team)
It’s easy to fall into a battle of “who’s right,” but remember—your goal is the same: raising healthy, emotionally balanced children. Instead of arguing about whose method is better, ask: What does our child actually need? Often, a mix of both approaches is ideal.
Action Step: Identify core values you both agree on. Do you both want your child to be kind? Responsible? Independent? Start from these shared values and build parenting strategies from there.
Keep Disagreements Private
Few things create more confusion for a child than watching their parents go head-to-head about how to handle them. If one parent says “no” and the other swoops in with a “well, maybe just this once,” it sends mixed signals. Not only does this create inconsistency, but it can also make your child a master manipulator (kids are smart like that).
Action Step: If you disagree with how your partner handled a situation, discuss it privately later. Presenting a united front doesn’t mean you always agree—it just means your child doesn’t need to see every debate.
Compromise Without Resentment
Compromise isn’t about “losing” to your partner’s approach; it’s about creating a parenting plan that works for your family. If you’re constantly giving in but secretly seething inside, it’s not really a compromise—it’s an emotional ticking time bomb.
Action Step: Agree on small changes. If your partner is all about structure, maybe you implement consistent bedtime routines. If you lean towards flexibility, maybe there’s room for occasional relaxed rules on the weekends. The key is balance.
Understand Your Parenting Triggers
Sometimes, disagreements in parenting aren’t just about the kids—they’re about deeper triggers from your own past. If you had overly strict parents, you might resist enforcing firm boundaries. If you lacked structure growing up, you may push for more discipline than necessary. Understanding your triggers can help prevent emotional reactions from clouding logical decisions.
Action Step: Reflect on which parenting situations make you most emotional and why. Discuss these with your partner to create a more balanced approach together.
Create a Parenting Plan
While flexibility is important, having a basic parenting plan can reduce arguments in the heat of the moment. Decide in advance how you’ll handle discipline, rewards, bedtime routines, and screen time limits. When expectations are clear, there’s less room for conflict.
Action Step: Write down a few key rules you both agree on and revisit them regularly to adjust as needed.
When to Seek Professional Help
If parenting differences are creating major tension in your marriage, a family therapist can help you find middle ground. A neutral third party can help you communicate effectively and create a parenting plan that feels fair to both of you.
Final Thoughts: Your Marriage Comes First
Parenting is a long game, but your relationship is the foundation of your family. Prioritizing communication, compromise, and respect will not only strengthen your marriage but also create a healthier environment for your children.
If you and your partner are struggling to get on the same parenting page, you don’t have to figure it out alone. The compassionate and insightful therapists at Introspective Counseling are here to help you navigate these challenges without resentment or constant battles. Schedule a session today, and let’s work together to create a home filled with love, understanding, and a lot fewer arguments. We proudly serve Southfield, Oak Park, Farmington Hills, Troy, Novi, Ferndale, Royal Oak, West Bloomfield, Redford, Taylor, Livonia, Dearborn, Dearborn Heights, Warren, Grosse Pointe, Sterling Heights, and Roseville, MI.
